Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
before i knew it, the day is basically over and i'm tired again & ready for bed! sheesh.
most of my days are like this. sigh.
can you believe that a soap reminded me that i've got the gift of time and how lucky i am to have been given it?!
then i happened to be reading julia cameron's "the artist's way" (yep, still reading it!) and the following resonated with me: "for most blocked creatives, reading is an addiction. we gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings, rather than cook up something of our own," (pg. 87) and "as blocked creatives, we can be very creative at wriggling out of things," (pg. 88) and "we decide how powerful god is for us... and if we receive a gift beyond our imagining, we often send it back," (pg. 91).
i seriously heard charlie brown's voice scream out in my mind "that's it!" like he does the christmas special when lucy asks him if he has 'the fear of everything'!
then i looked up "eat, pray, love" author elizabeth gilbert and was reading her "thoughts on writing" and was bowled over by her honesty! i don't want to paraphrase ~ read it for yourself! (www.elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm or just go to www.elizabethgilbert.com and look for "thoughts on writing" down on the right hand side and click there).
at one point while in our bedroom, doing what i can't recall, i said to myself that i'm really going to start making the most of my time, i really am.
then after a slightly stressful financial discussion with hubby before dinner, my mind went back to something i'd read in "the artist's way" earlier in the day about "the poet's market" book by writer's digest and i also remembered that before author debbie macomber was published and she needed to make extra $, she started sending articles off to magazines. (i've been reading her first non-faction book, "knit together" lately and that's where i got that from!) i thought to myself that i've got to try & make some extra $ for us and i'm going to start sending my non-fiction pieces off to mags! so after dinner i looked up "the writer's market 2007" and 2008 editions through our local library sites to see if they have them. i was supposed to call one of the libraries today to see if they can order it for me since our local branch doesn't have it.
i set my alarm for 7 am this morning. i truly wanted to get up early! i wanted to but i couldn't. physically. i was still so tired at 7am this morning that i couldn't stay awake. i need like 10 hours of sleep lately ~ actually, since it's not uninterrupted, i probably get around 7 hours or so, give or take, total. anyway, once i finally did wake up (2 hours later), i felt like crap from my allergies.
it just knocked the spirit in me right down! i want to do something with myself! i really and truly do! UGH! i'm so frustrated right now!
Friday, September 21, 2007
like we discussed during our first meeting, you never know what’s going on in or has gone on in someone else’s life. i’m not a mother in the traditional sense and what i’m getting at may really surprise you!
while i’m not always sure about what’s in store for us once we die, i am positive that there is a special, beautiful and loving heaven for those children whose lives end before what we believe is their time.
yy daughter brianna would’ve been 8 years old this coming december 7th. i’ve watched other people’s children learn to walk and talk. i’ve watched other people’s children getting ready for their first days of school. i’ve seen books that i know she would’ve loved and clothes i would’ve loved to buy for her. i’ve bought toys for her for christmas and given them to hubby for his american legion’s annual toys for tots drive. i’ve lit candles in churches for her on each anniversary of that horrendous day in my life and on her birthday. i have a journal in which i write to her when i feel the need to reach out to her.
my mourning has only begun to ease with this passing year. i still think of her nearly every day and talk to her often. since leaving her father over 3½ years ago, many of the decisions i have made (including that one!) have been made with her in mind. many children want to make their parents proud or parents want their children to make them proud of them. i want to make my daughter proud of me! i know i haven’t fully accomplished that yet and i think it’s a long time coming, but i’ll keep at it for as long as it takes! (“it” being a good, healthy, productive life).
Shortly after hubby and I were first together, we watched the movie “mystic river” and the absolute raw emotion of sean penn’s character, who loses his daughter, broke me down. at the end of the movie, i said, “i guess, no matter how it happens, you never get over losing a child,” and burst into sobs. that’s when i told hubby about brianna. one of the many wonderful and amazing things he told me when i was done was that if we have children, we’ll tell them of their sister in heaven and they will love her and honor her as we do. on mother’s day, he holds me if i cry and wishes me a happy mother’s day.
when my friend michelle and I were discussing our pre writer’s group jitters on the phone yesterday afternoon, i said, “i’m not a mom.” she said, “yes, you are!” i said, “cats don’t count!” she paused, then said, “you lost your daughter, right?” i said, “yes, but…” she said, “i’m sure many of the decisions you make take her into consideration, right?” i said, “yes.” she said, “you are a mom! that’s what mom’s do…” i thanked her and told her how much i truly appreciated her saying that. i didn’t tell her just how much it touched me and that i was actually teary eyed for a long while after we hung up! not may people, whether they have children or not, can look at my situation like that.
while this is only part of my story, part of this specific story, it’s something I felt was worth mentioning to the group, not for sympathy or pity or kudos, but perhaps for understanding.
like i said, i may or may not share this with the writing group!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
~This past Monday, 9/17/07, I found my cat Buddy dead in the spare room. He was 9 years old and been with me, along with one of his brothers, since he was just weeks old. Buddy and his brother Pinky were my first pets. I've never lost a pet before.
~Some of my cats can be very picky eaters. There are times when they'll eat just enough of their food to survive and practically starve themselves because they no longer like what I'm feeding them! I thought this is what was happening with Buddy around late August/early September. He wasn't eating much, lost weight and didn't seem to have as much energy. When I changed to a different food, he seemed to perk right back up and seemed to begin eating as usual again. He also started running around the house again, playing with the other cats and gaining weight. I thought he was going to be ok.
~My oldest cat, Mr, who is about 17 years old (a stray that found me nearly 7 years ago!), was very ill the week before last with a virul infection. Hubby and i expected him to die from it. I kept him away from the other cats and I nursed him as best as I could (after consulting with my vet) and he pulled through.
~Buddy got sick once this past Friday afternoon and immediately started acting like Mr had been. He got sick again a few times on Saturday as well. Once he stopped getting sick, I started nursing him on Sunday as I had done with Mr.
~Hubby and I both thought that if Mr could get through it as old and sick as he was, Buddy would certainly get through it since he was so much younger and had never been sick in 9 years!
~Throughout all of this I was also fighting a bad sinus infection again myself and last week also did my seasonal house cleaning, (I don't only do "spring" type cleaning!) went to the annual flea market at the marina Saturday morning and had a candle party Saturday afternoon. Sunday I was exhausted but Hubby and I went foodshopping and did some other errands.
~Monday, 9/17/07, came along and I just couldn't get up at my normal time. I felt as though I had the flu I was so tired. So I slept in. I haven't done that in I can't remember how long. First thing I did when I made myself get up was to go check on Buddy. He was too still. His eyes didn't even move when I called his name. When I touched him he was cold and stiff. I screamed and started crying hysterically. I couldn't believe it. I got the other cats out of the spare room and closed the door then I called Hubby.
~Hubby told me to put a garbage bag down in the tub and put Buddy in there so the other cats couldn't get to him in case he had something they could catch and he'd burry him when he got home from work. He told me he was sorry and not to blame myself in any way. (I have the tendancy to do that! A lot!!!)
~Then I called my best friend Kathy and told her. She was upset too but told me the same things Hubby did. Then I called my Mom. She came over and spent the rest of the day with me, until Hubby got home.
~After Hubby got home, I went into the bathroom and began wrapping Buddy up in the garbage bag. (I couldn't bring myself to do it all day). Hubby kept coming in to check on me cause I was crying so much. Then I brought him outside and set him down next to where Hubby was digging a hole. Hubby put Buddy in there when I turned to go sit down.
~I never expected Buddy to die and I don't understand it. The house already seems different without him. More quiet, more subduded. Less chaotic. Buddy followed me all over the house, all the time and was always waiting by the front door for me when I'd come home, like a dog would! Not that I'd be any less heartbroken, but I was prepared for Mr to go, given his age and how sick he was. I was not prepared for this. Not only am I heartbroken, I feel so guilty and selfish even though I guess I know I shouldn't.
~I think I love my other cats even more now that I've lost Buddy!