getting ready for halloween!

the outside pics (taken during the day) are out of order! (and 1 refuses to upload!) they're numbered to help you see what goes where, from right to left!

1. moved the scarecrow girl next to dracula (who's hanging in that dogwood tree!)

3. i've got marcas the carcas down at the bottom of all the flowers ~ he's got a light up head, feet and hands that fade in & out

view from inside/bedroom windows

2. that's frankenstein in the front and a ghost w/skull face in the back

i've got all orange lights on the bushes and throughout the garden ~ these little good & bad pumpkin heads are from light sets i've thrown away over the years for whatever reason & i've just placed them throughout the garden.

close up of the right living room window

close up of the left living room window

here's good ol' marcas the carcas!

a work in progress!

waxing poetic!

a cool & gusty breeze is blowing through the windows. dried leaves are tumbling along the side walk. thick, fluffy clouds in shades of white & grey have gathered over head dimming what was a bright afternoon. crickets & other bugs are chirping & blowing their whistles to pass the time away.

a preying mantis, once a bold green, now the color of a browned fallen leaf, lumbers slowly along the top of an evergreen bush. she has mated. her eggs have been laid in my garden, safely hidden in some unseen nook. and now she waits for her last day. she will not survive the falling tempretures nor see her eggs hatch & her children come into life. but, she has done what mother nature has called on her to do. and so, this coming february her children will continue on the journey their mother is now ending.

(copy rght'd 9/27/06-jw)

tip of the day!

if you're big into seasonal & holiday decorating like i am, make sure you keep your extension cords, suction cups & some metal ornament hangers in a place like a "junk drawer" or box in a closet where they are at hand when you need them!

i seem to have packed away all of my extenion cords & suction cups away in the basement some where & now will have to trudge through all the christmas decoration boxes to try & find them!!!

just some more decorating pics!

i'm losing my restraint & the halloween stuff is finding its' way out of the closet!


these little crows (on the door windows) are left over from a bunch of halloween themed cut-outs i made from black construction paper last year for our windows.

living room, bottom center window.

off center shot of the living room center window!

this is the top half of the right living room window.

left bedroom window. (not finished yet!)

left living room window. (that's a light up black cat silhouted (?!) by the moon!)

right living room window. (that's a light up witch silhouted (?!) by the moon!)

again, the center living room window.

a neat shot, i think!

i've added my bats, pumpkins & purple light gardland to the entertainment center!

taking a walk by oneself ~ second nature for some, big step for me!

i'm sure, assuming anyone is reading this, you're wondering how my taking a walk this morning, only the second time by myself, is a "big step" (no pun intended!) for me!

i've been aware of being stalked 3 times in my life. (if it's been more than 3, i don't want to know!)

the first time was in 1996 ~ my then boyfriend broke up with me and then started following me around where i worked to see if i was going with anyone, blah, blah, blah ~ he was jealous & abusive, physically & emotionally, to say the least - and i fully believed he would hurt me or someone he suspected i'd been dating. we'd been living together & his abuse continued even after we broke up until we were no longer living together.

the second time was in june of 2002. i didn't know the guy. i used to commute on the train back & forth to work.

well, i got home late one night from work and had to wait at the train station for a cab. (my then boyfriend was out with his friends - 5 minutes away - but didn't want to come pick me up & drive me home because he was hanging out with friends i didn't like.) the weather was horrible and it was impossibly dark & foggy. the cab dispatcher asked me to wait by the old station house. i should've said no & told them to pick me up by the new station house. but, i'd never had a problem, so over to the old station house i waited. a man speaking spanish and broken english tried to start a conversation with me - i told him to f off. he kept going. i watched where he went. he disappeared down a side street on the other side of the station.

about 10 minutes later, the same guy, now speaking in perfect english with no trace of an accent, had me in a head lock with a knife point stuck up into my throat under my right ear and said "ok, let's go." he started dragging me towards the side of the old station house. i told him i had just cashed my check and had over $500 on me and he could take it and my cell phone too. i begged him to "please just let me go." he kept dragging me and that's when i realized he didn't want to rob me. he wanted to rape me.

a truck pulled into the old station house parking lot - he stopped to watch the truck and i used every bit of strenght or whatever and pulled myself to the ground out of his arms and started screaming at the top of my lungs. he took off down the tracks, north bound.

he was never caught - at least not for my case. the detective handling the case botched the investigation - the sketch artist pic in the paper came out looking like any other white guy & not the guy i had described and the article in the paper was completely incorrect because the detective sargent in charge of the case combined my "incident" with another woman's "incident" with a different suspect. a guy was caught in another town doing almost the identical thing to another woman - i was supposed to be contacted to id a pic & that never happened. a few months went by & i rec'd a letter from the police department indicating that if i did not keep in contact with them about the case, they'd close it and label the charges "unfounded." i immediately contacted the police dept & told them off then contacted the newspaper and had an article written that included a copy of that letter with my personal info blocked out. (the dectective first handling the case was de-moted back to a patrol officer - big whoop).

i used to take walks all the time around where i used to live! to the cvs, the 7-11, the $ store, the deli, etc.. but, after that attack, i no longer felt safe in my surroundings & rarely went out without someone being with me.

the ex i mentioned just above (who didn't want to give me a ride home the night i was attacked) was also abusive though more emotionally & sexually than physically. (when i say physically, i mean as in beating the living crap out of me). even before i made one of the only best decisions of my life (05/04) and kicked his sorry, mooching butt to the kirb, he began stalking me around my home & my work because he thought i was cheating on him. no, it couldn't have been that i was soooooooooooooooo done with his bs, it had to be another man! (he never did get it).

and it was that i was soooooooooooooooo done with his bs that i wasn't taking it anymore. i was aware of his stalking before i kicked him out, thanks to my co-workers. they also kept me aware of his stalking after i kicked him out. he even began following them! and a mutual friend was helping him do it too! i knew i couldn't scare him - i just wanted him to go away already - but, i could sure as hell scare her into not helping him stalk me and i did just that! (all through my command of the verbal!) i even tried to get a restraining order against him (see previous post entitled "makes me sick" for the nitty gritty on that!)!

but, i became even more afraid of being out and about by myself & stopped even sitting in my garden outside. i knew what he could be like when no one else was around & i just didn't want to take the chance. even after i found out through the grape vine that he was moving to canada with some poor sucker & had proof that he was gone (via his son's mother), i still didn't feel safe. and so i stayed inside. a lot.

and that continued even after meeting & being with my husband. even after moving here 10 months ago. the saying of "ya can't teach an old dog new tricks" is certainly true!


well, these 2 walks have been the first ones for me since we moved here, 12/15/05. maybe it's a sign that i'm finally settling into these new surroundings. maybe it's a sign that i'm regaining things inside of me that i lost. maybe it's because i'm finally fed up with these extra 55 lbs i've gained since getting hurt at agent orange in 09/04! i'm not quite sure!

but, it's a start.

links! (halloween related)

here's some of my favorite stuff on the web to surf through at this time of year!

www.allhalloween.blogspot.com (blog re: all things halloween)
www.halloweenmovies.com (the movies)
www.halloweenflash.com (the movies)
www.halloween.com (the holiday)
www.halloween-online.com (the holiday)
www.halloweenmagazine.com (the holiday)
www.suite101.com/event.cfm/233 (fall)
www.history.com/minisites/halloween/ (the holiday)
www.halloweenghoststories.com
www.screensavers.com/landing/halloween.html?aff_id=775

check them out!

i was thinking this morning that i may start listing the 5 things i am grateful for every day on here since i just don't seem to be able to keep up with my 'gratitude' (did i spell that right?!) journal. just a thought! so, here goes:

1. my husband
2. having a beautiful home
3. my friends
4. for not being the only one to carry the weight of life anymore
5. fall has arrived!

just a cute pic!

one of my cats (named mr.!).

halloween's & fall's of yester-year!

these are some old pics from where we used to live.

october 2004, my old garden, one of my cats (buddy) and the mantle.





october 2005


october 2004


october 2004


october 2005 ~ soooo glad this pic doesn't come out too well! that's me in my old garden.

NOTE: i've actually been decorating for fall & halloween since 1995 BUT i have no pic's or anything from prior to 2004 (just a few scraps) since that ex(boyfriend) i've mentioned in a couple of the previous posts stole and/or threw out nearly everything i've ever owned in my entire life when i kicked his sorry butt to the curb in 05/04! (broke into the apt & the storage unit). but, i've made peace with all of that ~ i wanted to start over from scratch!

(though for every item he stole and/or threw away, may his head of fake hair fall off at the most public of moments (bald of a freakin' cue ball!) and may he have 1 year of "what goes around comes around" karma for every item and...)

let the decorating begin PART 3!!!

yup ~ it's the same bookcase as below! just wanted to list some of the books i've got centered on that top shelf for the time of year!
~witches, pumpkins & grinning ghosts ~ 1972, edna barth
~american folk magick ~ 1995, silver ravenwolf
~witches ~ 1981, colin hawkins & an old witch! (one of my fav's since i was little!)
~witchcrafting ~ 2001, phyllis curott
~the ghost writer ~ 2004, john harwood
~old witch rescues halloween ~ 1972, wende and harry devlin (another fav since i was a kid!)
~clive barker's a-z of horror ~ 1997, compiled by stephen jones
~halloween ~ 1999, silver ravenwolf
~witches brew ~ 2002, edited by yvonne jochs
~halloween ~ 1990, cass r sandak
~ghosts and goblins, stories for halloween ~ 1965, revised ed compiled by wilhelmina harper
~the ultimate halloween ~ 2001, edited by marvin kaye
~100 wicked witch stories ~ 1995, barnes and noble books
~book of shadows ~ 1998, phyllis curott
~seasons of magic ~ 2001, laurel ann reinhart
~celebrate the earth ~ 1994, laurie cabot and jean mills
~how to communicate w/spirits ~ 2001, elizabeth owens
~the legend of sleepy hollow & other stories ~ ?, penguin classics
~it's halloween ~ 1977, jack prelutsky
~the pagan book of halloween ~ 2000, gerina dunwich
~the halloween tree ~ 1988, ray bradbury
~the halloween tarot & book ~ 1996, karin lee
~halloween II ~ 1981, jack martin (movie novelization)

doesn't look like that much, does it?!


and here's the book shelf in our living room with dvd's and vhs for the time of year!
~halloween's 1 through 8 (but not 3 since i can't find it!) ~ halloween I is my fav!
~the roseanne halloween episodes dvd (the first 1 (done is season 2) is my fav!)
~the fog (another fav!)
~the exorcist 1 and 3 (my ex stole the 2nd from me!)
~in the grip of evil (documentary of the story the 1st exorcist is based on)
~fatal attraction
~jaws 1 & 2
~the dead zone (another fav!)
~the mothman prophecies
~sleepy hollow (w/johnny depp)
~witches night out (funky cartoon from the early 70's)
~disney: legend of sleepy hollow, halloween haunts & donald's scarey tales (cartoons)
~what lies beneath (another fav!)
~mary reilly
~rosemary's baby
~practical magic
~the clay witch project (if you love action & horror, this is hysterical!!!)
~young frankenstein
~the haunting (original)
~the house on haunted hill (original)
~a&e doc witchcraft in america
~scariest places on earth the collection (tv show hosted by linda blair)
~secrets of the unknown bigfoot & witches (what a combo!!)


this is a closeup of the bookcase w/the movies on it. this is my halloween 20 years of terror globe that came with the 2 tape vhs set back in 1998 ~ i have the globe (obviously!) and the key chain, but the vhs set was also stolen by the same ex i mentioned above!

just the other book case on the opposite side of the living room mantle. (another pic of my hubby squeaked in!)

well, there ya have it! this is all i can safely do for now ~ my hubby might blow a gasket if the rest of the halloween stuff appears before october 1st! (he calls me a halloweenie!!!) wait til you see what i do outside!!

let the decorating begin PART 2!!!

a close up of our entertainment center. the lights are shoprite "gold" 100 count christmas lights that i hot glued fall leaves to! (got the fall leaf fabric cutouts at a dollar store (this year) and cvs (last year).

our living room entertainment center.

this is our living room mantle w/more of my lights & leaves like i mentioned above!

this happy guy greets everyone at the front door!

1 of our living room bookcases.

a close up of the living room mantle. (part of a pic of my hubby squeaked in!)

no, the large orange-esk pillows are not just for fall & halloween! orange is my favorite color year round!

let the decorating begin!!! fall & halloween are in the air!!!

this is out back! (johnny #1!)

these little guys are out front on the porch!

he's also out front!

another johnny out front! (johnny #2!)

and of course, standing proudly at johnny's side is joanie!

this is a pic of the wreath from ground zero i mentioned in my previous post.

it's just as beautiful today as it was five years ago ~ sunny, breezy & cool. perfect fall weather. it's a bit eerie that it seems to be this way each year now on this day.

i've put out the wreath my ex rescued from a dumpster near ground zero well before the 1 year anniversary. it's hanging on a shepherd's hook on out our porch.

my mother thought i should get rid of it when my husband & i moved here, because it was from my time with my ex(boyfriend). i had considered doing just that but realized that what that wreath symbolizes and where it came from is so much bigger than something so petty as not keeping it because my ex brought it home years before and i just couldn't part with it. it goes out now for every july 4th and today's anniversary.

five years. so much is different for me now! this is the first time i am not in my old apartment, 13 miles north of here, for this anniversary. i am very happy about that.

i am still floundering & trying to find what's next for me. otherwise, i hope i am living a better life than i was five years ago today.

i am loved by and married to such a wonderful, beautiful, amazing, supportive man! i sit here listening to the spouses and significant others of 9/11 victims read the victims names at ground zero and i am so thankful i was given the time to finally meet up with my husband and be with him! my heart breaks for these people who've lost their loves.

that's one thing that hasn't changed in these five years: the pain i feel when i watch documentaries and footage of 9/11, the pain i feel on this day as i listen to the names being read & watch the tears flow from the mourners at all the memorial services.

is it ironic that such horribly painful things happened on such a beautiful day & that every anniversary of this day thus far has been just as beautiful as the first? is there a reason for that? or is it just a coincidence?

September 11th

i've dragged out the fall decorations ~ in previous years i've waited until the day after 9/11 to take down any of the summer patriotic stuff and will do so again this year.

it's a very small way for me to pay my own tribute to the day and all those lost, i know and unless you were family or friends, you wouldn't realize that's why i do it but i feel it's better to do something than do nothing.

i feel so connected to 9/11 and sometimes the survivor's guilt still overwhelms me.

i could've been on the 78th floor of wtc tower 2, the south tower, that morning.

for a very long time i felt i should've been and could not begin to understand how my life (the life i had up to 9/11 and even for nearly 3 years after) was worth more than any one of those who died who left husband's, wives and children. i felt they'd had the courage to do what i had back out on only 3 months earlier ~ work in manhattan in a high stakes career ~ how fair was it that i got rewarded for being a coward?!

i'd like to think that i would've left tower 2 immediately after the plane struck the first tower, that i wouldn't have gone back to my office like so many others did, but, i don't honestly know. even now when i watch the footage, i don't see how i would've made it out alive.

since meeting my husband in 05/04, i have become thankful for not being there and for being given the chance to live a better life than i was.

i still don't understand! watching all the documentaries still makes me wonder why. but, there must be a reason. i know there is! i need to remember that to help me through all the painful times when i feel like there's no use in any of this anymore. i need to remember that, in essence, i was given another chance and that i am so very lucky to have it because not everyone is given another chance.

we all need to watch and remember what happened on 9/11 because history repeats itself if we let it.

Depression SUCKS!

roller coasters ain't got nothing on me & my weekend!

friday i realized that my daughter would've been starting second grade yesterday & i got a little bit down ~ did a lot of missing & wanting what could've been with getting her ready for school through the cozy, rainy indoor weekend. (see previous post entitled "missing what could've been.")

so i was pretty upset while we were trying to shop in shoprite on saturday ~ all the moms picking out school supplies with their kids ~ the kids getting all excited over the halloween decorations & candy ~ it all really made me just want to not have to go through any of this anymore. none of it. i felt like no matter what i do, nothing ever gets any better for me i just couldn't live through it anymore.

saturday night and sunday morning i figured out that if the catholic religion happens to be the "right" religion & i killed myself, i definately wouldn't have a chance of going to heaven to be with my daughter now and to wait for my husband there when his time finally came, so there went that idea!

sunday morning and afternoon i was very depressed (didn't want to get off the couch or out of bed) and ended up with a migrane. sunday night was ok.

monday was better (except when we went online and saw that we only had $55 until friday morning and my husband still had to get gas yesterday am and it usually costs $56 to fill the mountainier)...

yesterday i took it easy ~ today's been alright i guess! i still haven't kicked this sinus infection so on top of everything else, i feel like crap physically.

Missing What Could Have Been

through the tropical storm & it's nasty weather, the bickering with my husband, the food shopping and the usual chores around the house, i've been missing what could have been...

getting my daughter ready for her 1st day of 2nd grade this coming tuesday ~ having this last weekend of summer to do all those little things with her that there may not be time for once school begins ~ dragging out the fall decorations and resisting the urge to drag out the halloween ones as well once her eyes lit up ~ reassuring her that school will be fun & go well ~ reading her stories ~ tucking her in...

it's so hard sometimes, missing what could've been. wanting it more than anything in the world but knowing it will never be.

It was the storm that just wouldn't go away!

this was taken this morning, 9/3/06 and underneath all those leaves and branches is our patio & back yard area! we'll be going out soon & i'm taking my camera with me! (heard there's some really big trees down around the corner!)


these were taken yesterday, 9/2/06 during the storm and were the only ones that came out clear enough! (yup, that was an access ramp to the water for small craft!)

weather reports 1st said the rain & winds would begin to diminish around 2pm. ha! the wind & rain only got worse as the afternoon wore on! new warnings were posted to end at 4pm. then 6pm. then 7:30pm. then after 10pm!

what wasn't flooded in the morning certainly was by late afternoon! we had to pick up my sister-in-law in cliffwood beach and parts of rt. 35 were flooded but passable on the way there and not passable on the way home. parts of matawan, cliffwood and keyport were completely cut off by water!

all the traffic lights on rt. 35 in middletown were out. before picking up my sister-in-law, we were food shopping in the middletown shop rite & were blacked out for a time before the generators kicked in! (of course it happened just after i left my husband at the deli to go get a few things down one of the aisles!)

we initially lost power some time after 4:30am on saturday and though it was back on here by 10:30am, it didn't do us any good for breakfast since we've got an electric stove!! so we left before 9am in search of food & found it on the opposite side of rt. 36 3 lights north of us. throughout the rest of the day & early evening, our power went out, came back on, browned out...

one of my other sisters-in-law lives in north carolina & couldn't believe we'd been hit worse with ernesto than they were!

More Garden Pics! (Before Tropical Storm Ernesto Arrives!)