Holy Crapcakes

i'm in a bit of a fog now. my first wind of the day is gone.

went to the doctor yesterday. the one dr. rc says is going to be the one who helps me the most & figures out what's wrond w/me. dr. ea said we'll continue to treat my sero-negative arthritis (psoriatic arthritis) by up-ing my dosage. he feels treating the arthritis is the best bet. it's an autoimmune disease which can make me vulnerable to infection. he said my chronic fatigue and chronic upper respiratory infections could also be fibroymyalga because my blood work results have improved, but, i'm still getting sick. but, if treating the arthritis doesn't help me overall, he's out of idea's. he honestly doesn't know. but, not to worry about that right now. keep taking the oral meds and soon i'll switch to the iv and injectible meds and we'll go from there.

i'm about to be sick to my stomach. i've had health problems for 13 years now. i've been under the same dr's care (dr. as) for 12 years now. i can't take this, emotionally or physically anymore and i want to find out what's wrong w/me. i want to have children w/my husband. i told this to dr. as this past monday and there was no reaction from him. no suggestions, no direction, no "i'm sorry, i just don't know what to tell you," no nothing! 12 years and that's all i get?! i deserve better than that!

dr. rc knows there's something wrong w/me. he's an ortho, so he's not familiar w/internal medicine, but, he knows there's something very wrong. he's been in contact w/dr. as & dr. ea. he's been very supportive. i once told him i was beginning to think it was all in my head, that somehow i've done all this to myself. he said longterm, there's no way i could have done this to myself. (short term, it couldn've been a possibility). i cried in the exam room that day w/him because it was the first time i felt s dr had really listened and believed me and agreed that there was something wrong w/me.

dr. ea also listened, believed me and agreed there's something worng w/me. but, now he's told me that if treating my arthritis doesn't work, he doesn't know what else to do.

how absolutely terrifying and defeating.

i didn't even bother to tell my mother what dr. ea said yesterday. she's navigating choppy waters in her own life now and it would just upset her more, just like everything else i've told her lately. and i really want to avoid the whole "what did i do wrong as a mother" guilt thing she's got going on about all this because (for once,) this is about me and i'm the one who needs the comfort & reassurance. i'm not in the mood anymore for it to be the other way around. (if you knew the history between us, you wouldn't be surprised or think that it's selfish & uncaring of me - maybe, someday i'll get into it).

i self medicated yesterday by buying garden soil, medditerranean pink heather, a "peace" climber rose root, 3 (forced) tulips and 4 (hybrid, large petal) primroses.

my husband told me not to worry, that we'll keep trying & keep going to different dr's. he said i'm going to be fine, i'll get better and we are going to have children. he's here w/me through this.

today i spent the better part of the morning re-potting all of them and planting dahlia (rosella & thomas edison) & gladioli (pastel mix) bulbs.

i felt ok until i was done. i have to finish cleaning and get ready. after my husband gets off work, we're meeting friends and driving down to atlantic city to see travis tritt in concert. i've never been down there and i've never seen tt in concert. i should be excited. but all i want to do is crawl into bed and go back to sleep.

Wrote to my little girl...

last night about my wanting to devote a small garden to her this year. i told her of how i thought of growing royal amethyst roses especially for her, but, if there's something else she'd like more, then to please give me a sign as i look through the catalogs, search online & roam the nursery's.

i told her of how i'd also like to maybe devote a small garden to her great-nana, her great-grandma, her grandma (her father's mother) and my husband's mother who passed this past june. and maybe even her grandpa (my father). (maybe! a big maybe!)

brianna would've turned 6 this past december. unfortunately, the only time she was given in this world was a mere two months in my belly, march to may of 1999. but, she will be with me for my lifetime. i know it may sound very different, for lack of a more tasteful word, to some of you, that i write to her. but, it helps me to get through my grief, guilt, regrets and the "what-if's" that happen when i least expect them & that happen with every year that passes by. she was my child & i loved her more than anything while she was with me. her not having been born into this world as we know it does not make her any less my child or make me any less her mother or change my love for her. her grandma helen, (her father's mother) once told me you're not supposed to out-live your children & you never get over the loss. (her daughter pam was 19 when she was killed in an auto accident in 1969). i can only speak for myself, but, i believe it as well. some things may get easier with time, but, it's never far from your heart & soul.

i began writing to her the day she was gone from me, that night. the journal i write to her in has two yellow tulips on the front with a small picture of the eiffel tower. it went unused from the moment i bought it. (i'm picky/funny about journals-if i don't feel a connection to them, i don't use them! we all have our curiosities!) i originally wrote to her on scrapes of paper, but, when i came across this journal in my old closet, i knew i'd found it's purpose and copied down everything i'd already written to her.

it's at least 70 degrees now, sunny & very blustery! i've cleaned the leaves up out of the containers on the porch & miracle growed the same. i think now i'll take some lunch out on the patio where it's a bit cooler & more protected from the wind and try to begin planning out what's going to where... and hopefully brianna will let me know where she'd like her flowers to grow too.

I have a love/hate relationship with the warmer seasons!

over the next couple of days, it's going to get rainy & stormy & the temp's going to rise into the 60's!

on the one hand, this excites me a bit! i can start making more use of our front porch & patio area's which i love... but, on the other hand, it saddens me a bit too.

i realize that winter can extend into april (here), though it hasn't in quite a long time, but, more than likely, this warming trend signifies the ending of this winter and along with that, the end of the snowy season.

yup, i'm one of those people! i love snow! love it! love it! love it! the more the better!

i have yet to lose my childish excitement at the prospect of a blizzard! i peak out the windows constantly, get up in the middle of the night to check on how much we're getting, leave the blinds cracked open to check for that snowy glow & when i wake, i strain to hear the muffled sounds of a heavy snow fall when all is quiet and a slammed car door seems miles away.

nothing is more calming or peaceful for me than sitting in candle light & watching snow flakes swirl on by the windows.

i love going out in it too! for a ride or a walk, camera or cam corder in hand to capture the beauty. (not to mention the occassional snow fight is a hoot!)

and when we're "snowed in," i love baking some brownies or banana bread cupcakes & making a pot of home made beef stew! (no, i'm not a goody-goody or martha stewart!!)

thank goodness i've found gardening! the warmer months were always such a drag to get through for me! and while the heat can be a bit wilting for me (& the garden), i do enjoy the excitement the first warmer days of the new year bring with them!

but, in my heart of hearts, i'll still hope for one last (big!) snow!!

(and would you believe my favorite time of the year is actually fall/halloween?!?!)

Outside

it's a bit chilly today, but, i'm going to make a point of sitting outside on my back patio this afternoon.

i live on a 1st floor now, the 1st time in my life (i've always lived in 2nd floor apartments) and i now have a front porch and a back yard/patio to make use of! at our old apartment, i did have a fairly large garden, but, i only began sitting in it about a month or so before we moved! (and i had that garden about 5 yrs!) here, it's wonderful! and fairly private too.

i don't know about you, but, i get caught up in doing this & that around the apartment (though from the looks of things, i don't seem to accomplish much!) and i let the day go by without going outside any longer than it takes me to get the mail!

(this was the case even when i worked. i was only outside long enough to get to work and get home. sometimes my only going outside for the day was to do some errands after work! that doesn't count!)

and when i'm not feeling well, which is quite often unfortunately, i tend to just lay around most of the day & watch tv (& since last wk, go on the computer!!), switching from the bed to the couch & back to the bed again! but, after being outside for even a short time, i'm amazed at how much better i feel, sometimes both physically & emotionally! and then i wonder why i don't sit outside more often! for me it's calming, especially when i'm very upset & stressed & feel like i can't breathe. i know i need to do it more often! (funny how there are things we know are good for ourselves, things we know we should often do & how we just seem to "forget" to do them all the time!)

well, i've done some needed faxing & chores. i've checked some things online. now the rest of the day is free, so to speak. i'll go pull on some sweat pants & a sweat shirt, bring my journal, book & lunch outside and see what happens!

Now What?!

this is a strange time for me. once jan. of this yr passed by, there was nothing on the calendar... nothing specific on the horizon.

we're done moving, unpacking, turning over the old apt., appealing my disability ins. claim, applying for ssd... i can't go back to any kind of job, we can't even begin trying for a baby until late this yr (dr's orders!)...

of course, there's the frequent dr's visits/follow ups, but, that doesn't count! (i'm a bit of a mess to date and have 3 dr's on board trying to figure out what's going on w/my immune system, or lack thereof as it seems to be!)

once feb. of this yr came, i was hit w/the question: now what?! and the terrifying thing was that i had no answer! and i still don't, but, at the moment i'm not as freaked out about it as i was!

i do have some things to occupy me: our new computer, being online, reading, painting the kitchen & bathroom if i can (got those colors picked out-no clue about the living room & bedrooms!), starting a garden from scratch & looking into my options for flowers, etc. because the area's i have here to garden are different than what i was used to at our old place (but here i get to have 2 seperate gardens instead of 1!), trying to focus long enough to write (a most impossible task to date!)...

maybe some of what i have to occupy myself with will help give me some direction as to what i want to do w/myself. i don't know if i've ever actually known what to do w/myself! but, if this is it, that's fine w/me. but, if there's something else, i'm open to discovering it.